Saying “thanks” could save your relationship

If I asked your spouse how long it’s been since you sincerely thanked them for anything, would it be more than a day? More than a week? Would they even be able to remember?

It’s a big deal because gratitude is vital to a healthy relationship. Unfortunately, most of us tend to think we’re grateful since because of how we feel. Feeling glad to have someone in your life isn’t quite the same thing as gratitude, though. Real gratitude isn't a feeling, it's an expression.

“Real gratitude isn’t a feeling. It’s an expression.”

Appreciation that goes unexpressed is essentially worthless.

One time Jesus healed ten guys of leprosy, but the healing didn’t happen right there on the spot. He told them to go present themselves to the priests, who would presumably confirm the expected healing and declare them fit to rejoin society. After they walked away from Jesus, the actual healing occurred during their journey to see the priests. Even though all ten men experienced the same miracle, only one came back and said thanks

Jesus responded, “Weren’t there ten of you? Where are the other nine?” Here is what fascinates me about that.

If you had confronted the other nine guys about their apparent lack of appreciation, I imagine they would have been stunned. “What? We’re not ungrateful! We’re so thankful!” They had probably already posted pictures of their healed skin on Facebook and Instagram with a post that said: “#blessed #LoveMySkin #BetterThanNeutrogena.”

Their whole life had changed for the better. Yet Jesus was asking, “Where are the other nine?” It hadn’t crossed their minds that they had unfinished business. They had not expressed their appreciation.

Without a doubt, they felt it. They just didn’t communicate it to Jesus. That’s the problem: unexpressed gratitude is basically worthless.

“Unexpressed gratitude is basically worthless.”

That explains what has been going on in some of our relationships. We feel appreciative, but we’ve not been expressing it. Unexpressed gratitude is experienced by the other person as ingratitude. So regardless how you feel: they feel unappreciated.

Nobody likes feeling unappreciated.

Some of you have experienced this when you spend an entire day cleaning the house, getting groceries, and making meal that is guaranteed to win a prize on any Food Network show. As you call everyone to the table, you can’t wait to see their reactions and hear the inevitable thanks that will follow. But they just dig in and don’t say a word. Worst, they’re looking at their phones. Finally, someone says, “Did you make dessert? No? That’s okay.”

After the meal, you’re taking out your frustration by banging dishes in the sink. That’s when someone (probably a guy) says the dumbest thing possible: “What’s wrong with you?” If you say that, you better hope the knives aren’t sharp, buddy.

This is so important in our relationships because our hearts gravitate toward being thanked and recognized. It’s just a natural response.

But when we feel unappreciated, we instinctively close part of ourselves off. We hold something back to keep from getting hurt.

So if your relationship matters to you: don’t let anyone out-gratitude you. That’s not a real word, but you know what I mean. You be most grateful person in your mate’s life. Your simple statement of thanks could mean more than you know.

“Your simple statement of thanks could mean more than you know.”

Here is what I firmly believe: for some of us, learning to express our gratitude could be the thing that literally saves our relationship. If your relationship is not where you want be or isn’t going in the right direction, consider whether you’ve been expressing enough appreciation. Get intentional about it. A simple expression of recognition for what your mate has done can make all the difference in the world.

Want some help with learning to express gratitude? Renovation Marriage has a proven process that equips you with the skills to communicate effectively and build a thriving relationship. We would love to partner with you to renovate your marriage into something beautiful.