Five Things You Need To Do If Your Spouse Had An Affair

If you’ve learned that your spouse had an affair, I recognize this is probably one of the most difficult and painful times of your life. Whether the affair was physical, emotional, or flirtatious, you’ve experienced a betrayal of trust. But hear me say: there is hope. I don’t at all want to minimize or trivialize the huge breach of trust you’ve experienced, but I do want to assure you, there is hope.

You play a key role in what happens next. You can’t control what has happened to you, but you can control what you do next. Other husbands and wives have faced this pain and found a way forward. It will take work, but you can recover from this.

These five steps can give you the ability to begin moving in a direction that will have a positive impact on not only your personal emotional health, but also your marriage. This is not five steps to fix your marriage. Life isn’t that simple. However, these steps will get you on the road to personal healing and will give your marriage the best chance to be restored.

1) Unpack your emotions.

You’re likely feeling a whirlwind of different emotions from betrayal to rejection to abandonment to humiliation. Talk with someone about what you’re feeling. Whether it’s a friend you trust, a counselor, or a pastor, an outside perspective can help you see more clearly those things that get obscured when you’re emotionally overwhelmed. You may want to consider also writing out what you’re feeling. Putting words to your feelings by writing them out or talking through them will help you to better understand them.

We often try to avoid painful emotions, but it’s important that you not wall yourself off from them. What those negative emotions are communicating to you is important.

• Sadness

  When you feel sad, it’s because you’ve lost something. Process your sadness by thinking through the things you’ve lost and allowing yourself to grieve them.

• Anger

  The emotion of anger is always the result of unmet expectations. Certainly, what you’ve experienced from your spouse doesn’t match what you expected. When you feel anger or resentment, get clarity by considering exactly what your expectation was. This will help you prepare to choose how to respond.

• Fear

  Your fears reveal your priorities and what you value. For example, if you’re afraid of losing your marriage, then it’s because your marriage is important to you. You worry about things only if they matter to you. Resist the temptation to respond to your fear by trying to control what you can’t. Instead, be honest about your own limitations and vulnerability.

• Shame

  Shame isn’t something you feel only when you’re embarrassed or guilty. Feelings of shame arise when something clashes with your perception of your identity. In this case, your spouse’s actions may create some internal tension that causes you to question who you are. Remember, you’re not defined by what happens to you. Anchor your identity to who you are in Christ.

2) Work toward forgiveness.

For the relationship to heal, forgiveness is going to have to happen at some point.

Forgiveness is different from trust. Forgiveness is about the past. Trust is about the future. Trust often has to be earned over time. For trust to be rebuilt, your spouse will have to take steps, but forgiveness only requires something to happen in your heart.

To forgive, you don’t have to pretend it didn’t hurt. You don’t have to resume the relationship with no changes. You simply have to decide you’re ready to be free of resentment.

It’s important to understand that forgiveness is not primarily for the benefit of the offender. It’s in your own best interest because it’s how you set your heart free of bitterness. Just because your anger is justified doesn’t mean it isn’t toxic. Forgiveness means cancelling the debts you’re owed, as opposed to continuing to let them weigh you down.

“Just because your anger is justified doesn’t mean it isn’t toxic.”

The power to forgive lies in the experience of being forgiven. At the cross of Jesus, we all lost the right to refuse to forgive anybody. You forgive because you’ve been forgiven.

Forgiveness is a choice to cancel the debt and not hold it against the other person anymore. It’s a decision, but it’s often a decision that you have to make repeatedly. When something triggers your hurt and those negative feelings return, that doesn’t mean you haven’t forgiven. It is an opportunity to decide again to not reinstate the debt.

Although forgiveness can happen in an instant, it probably won’t come quickly. That’s okay. Commit to continue working toward that point. When you do get there, it’s important that you communicate it to your spouse. Forgiveness creates the possibility for trust to eventually be earned.

3) Make a plan for rebuilding trust.

While forgiveness is about the past, trust is about the future. As you process and understand your emotions, identify what it will take for you to again feel safe or secure or loved. Trust comes from commitments being upheld, so outline what commitments you need from your spouse.

Then talk with your spouse about what you feel and what you need. Setting clear expectations will give your spouse hope that trust can someday be rebuilt and a clear action plan of what steps they need to take.

These commitments could include things like increased transparency, more time together, acts of kindness, more or less sexual activity, and better communication. For example, you may want to establish boundaries around what’s not acceptable to discuss with someone of the opposite gender. You could request that your spouse always at least answer the phone when you call, even if a full conversation isn’t possible at that moment. If there was an online component, you may require being able to look over their shoulder to see what’s on the screen. It’s about easing your insecurities and rebuilding trust. Your spouse may need to concede some rights to privacy, but this gives them an opportunity to show that even though they value their rights, they value being right with you even more.

“Setting clear expectations will give your spouse hope that trust can someday be rebuilt...”

As trust is reestablished, the need for some of these guardrails will likely fade away. What you need to offer your spouse is hope – hope that trust is a possibility. Whenever you can, recognize and acknowledge the positive steps that you see your spouse taking. This reassures them that trust is being rebuilt.

4) Own your part in the relationship deteriorating to this point.

Saving the marriage is going to take commitments from both of you. Rarely is an affair about the person that the straying spouse got involved with. Almost always, it’s more about a fundamental breakdown in the marriage itself. You are not responsible for your spouse’s choice to have an affair. We each choose our own behavior. It is important, though, that you consider how you played a role in creating the emotional climate that has existed in your marriage.

This can be incredibly empowering for you because it can give you some actionable steps to take. When a relationship is at its lowest point, it’s a chance to analyze and be fully honest. If you recognize that your spouse had been feeling lonely or isolated, then commit to take steps to ensure more emotional intimacy in the future. Now is the time to learn ways to better communicate and relate to one another.

5) Pray and seek God by spending time in scripture.

God’s plan for marriage is that it be strong. It’s easy to respond to an affair by saying: “This isn’t what I signed up for. I don’t think we can come back from this. I’ve got biblical grounds for divorce. I'm out.” But the same God who raised the dead to life can resurrect a dead marriage. So start praying and asking God for the wisdom and courage to take these steps. Ask him to help you see that there is hope and to help you move forward at the right time and in the right way. Then spend time with Him by reading the bible. The YouVersion bible app has lots of excellent reading plans and devotionals on all sorts of topics related to having a healthy relationship.

Healing is possible.

Recovery from an affair isn’t easy and it isn’t guaranteed, but real healing is possible. If repaired correctly, your marriage can become healthier and stronger than ever. We can help with that.

Renovation Marriage has a proven process that equips you to communicate about your hurts in a way that avoids causing reactive damage and leads to real understanding and healing. Of the couples who have attended our retreat after experiencing an affair, over 95% report making significant progress toward healing and reconciliation.

An affair might feel like the death of a marriage, but the wound doesn’t have to be fatal. Your marriage was designed to last a lifetime. Renovation Marriage would love to partner with you in taking these steps and beginning the process of healing your hurts.